ROAD TO WORDS AND MOMENTS BY AMMARAH ARIF

'MOMMY!' AT the same voice, I woke up in a hurry.

It wasn't a dream, but It was a call from my mother. That's all I have a dread to face. 

I came out of my room when I noticed the frail reflection of light coming from the corridor. 

Slowly I stepped outside.

The blackbirds were out of the cage and were relishing their feeding with Zahir Baba. 

'You are my children, dear. I come here every night to feed you!' But I was embarrassed that I didn't know that what was happening in this house...?

'OOZ! OOZ! When these cute birds were coming closer to Zahir baba.

'Come on! Finish it. Anyways, there is plenty of food in this house, but there is no one to eat.' He was touching their heads with compassion.

He turned back and saw me standing on his back.

'I apologize, Sir. The noise here opened your eyes.' He was standing in front of me with his head bowed. 

'No need to be sorry. I couldn't sleep anyway. There is a lot of panic fighting inside me.' I sat along with him and took a black shinning pigeon in my lap.

'By the way, what are you doing here? Why didn't you sleep?' I asked him, but on his answer, Anxiety gripped me. 

'I... LONELY PEOPLE LIKE US WAKE UP AT NIGHT. OUR NIGHT'S SLEEP GETS LOST SOMEWHERE BECAUSE WE SERVE TO REACH TO GOD SO WE MAY FIND SOMETHING LOST!'  An injured smile on his lips.

'I must be your mistress's son, but I am not your Sir. I have a lot of admiration for you in my heart.' I have accepted that I am the son of the mother who is calling me.

'Are you accepting that you are his son?' He asked me.

'My anxiety has driven me to affirm!' I stroked my head with two fingers.

'I am going to meet her..., but, I stopped and saw him, 'But You should also come with me.' 

'How can I? If I will come with you, who will take care of them?' He pointed towards the blackbirds.

'YEAH! But when I'm at home, stay with me. Feed me like them. I also have the right to be coddled like them.' I pointed towards them, and he smiled.

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I was sitting at the airport with my head bowed. I hardly gathered up the courage to go to meet that lady who was my mother by identity. A girl was sitting in front of me who was constantly looking at me. After a while, she got up and sat next to me. 

'Where do you wanna go?' I was not in the state of answering her. 

'New Zealand...' I got up to leave.

'I have heard that the people living in Turkey are very hospitable and sweet, but you don't look like that so.' (Directly directing my state; AHH!) Then why should I say silent; 'YES, we are very sweet, but we also get angry quickly. We don't give anyone a chance to talk nonsense. Can you kindly stay silent?' I was behaving against my habit. She shrugged her shoulders. I sat down again there. 

But her eyes were fixed on me; I laughed at my fate. 

'I am from New Zealand' 

She said in Turkish; BEN BIR PSIKOLOGUM!'

                                   (I am a psychologist) 

'Do you think I have psychological disorders?' I don't know where this girl had gotten up? She smiled and answered me, 'No, I'm trying to understand you from your picture.' She pointed to my face. I looked towards that girl in blow; 'How can you say this?' 

'You may find assurance in my accent, but I am testing myself.' The girl leaned back in her chair and proudly answered. 'So intelligent I am!' She proudly touched her shirt frills. 

'Whoever you are...!' My accent was odd, depending on my annoyed inflection. 'Not Whoever! I am an upcoming famous psychologist in your state.' She patted her back with pride. There came a smile on my face remembering that in the early days. I used to myself a successful lawyer. But, now the heart is lifted from everything. 

'Well, then what did you see? I am in the process of learning right now, and so I may have misunderstood you.' She answered merely. 

'Of course! You have misunderstood me.' On my justification, she directly said, 'No, It's a girl's case.' And my eloquence was telling her that she was right. 

'I already informed you that I am in the learning process, but you lawyers trace the culprit, the same way psychologists trace the inner feelings and thoughts.' I had no reason to lie to this girl, or she knows how to entangle some in words. 'YES! ALMOST...' She clapped her hands as I spoke. 

'So let's start. How did it end?' She was really questioning me as she could solve my inner chaos as usual. She looked very excited. 'Why are you waiting for so long?' She again spoke POINTING on my sudden silence.

'Why are you asking?' 

I asked her, 'BELKI SORUNUNU COZERIM'

                     (Maybe I could solve your problem!!)

But I stayed silent. She was a girl, and girls never stay silent! 'Do you love him?' I shook my neck in NO.

'Then, why is there sadness on your face?' I appreciated her wisdom in my heart. 

'Maybe I did wrong to her.' I closed my eyes and felt that innocent weeping eyes. 

'Wanted to marry her?' She questioned me, and here I remembered every experienced part of my life.

'Never. I don't tolerate interruptions in my life.' I presented my selfish answer.

'But a girl has made a place in your heart by interfering in your life.' She granted a selfless justification.

'You didn't love her; you didn't like her, you did wrong to her, and you can't find peace just because of her, and she comes in front of your eyes repeatedly.' I was feeling the same.

'But all that we notice is not what we think!' Why should I stay behind?

'UHM! No, It's not what we consider. Look, the feeling that you are breathing in Is EGOTISM. 

PERSON WANTS TO DO, BUT THE ECHO OF CONSCIENCE AND PAST INVOLVEMENT COINCIDES AND STOPS.'  I could not understand my situation. 

She was correct somewhere because I didn't dare to bear more in my life.

'Why didn't you get coupled to her?' Suddenly, she came to a step forward towards me, and I wasn't surprised too.

'I don't know where she would be?' I presented my justification. 

'What do you think has she got married to someone?' I instantly saw her, and she saw me with her unlocked eyes. I shrugged my shoulders as I didn't know who she was.

'AAH!' She spanked her hand on the table, 'A girl you don't know at all, so why are you holding the grief?' Like she wanted to know everything today.

'She studies at my university. There was a strange place in her eyes and in her words that drew me to her. I wanted to be with her but, that harsh behavior came again in front of my eyes, 

'But because of what was happening, I had to take her away from myself.' The conversation was never-ending.

'There is a clearing fact in your life that LOVE and ATTACHMENT had two different endings. Love may or may not exist.' She compiled our never-ending conversation in an answer, and now there was complete silence.

Maybe there was nothing to talk about now.

'Have ever a girl loved you or have someone cared for you a lot? Suddenly, The vision of my mother waved in front of me. I nodded my head in YES.

'Why did you reject it when you find it out?' I was shocked. 

'How can you say all this? The girl leaned back in her chair proudly and said, 'I knew it, Waooo! How brilliant I am!' She again turned to me and said, 'So where were we?' 

'On the rejection of her love!' I smiled at her expressions. 

'CRAZY BOY! Don't say like her love. It hurts here.' She pointed towards her heart, 'OF course; I am a girl too!

Oh! So back to the topic.... Do you know that she still loves you? 

I shrugged my shoulders like I'm not acknowledged.

'Do you have a regret about rejecting her?' Maybe she had promised to solve my case. 

'I thought it was a hoax or an attachment although,

'Maybe she really wants to be with you.' She began to justify herself without listening to me. 

'Just think!

IF THE PEOPLE WHO AWARD SUPPORT TO THE ONES WHICH THEY THEMSELVES HAD BROUGHT DOWN; 

IN THE SAME WAY, ALLAH SENDS ANGELS AS A MEANS TO HELP PEOPLE IN NEED SO THESE ANGELS WILL CLAIM TO BE GOD TOMORROW!'  She closed my life book in one passage. 

'Remember always! The seal on the heart seems to belong to only one person, and that person is always very dear to GOD. 

The same girl who made you so anxious today.' This girl clicked in front of me, and suddenly, I was out of her spell. I felt dizzy. There was dampness in my eyes.

'Do you belong to NEW ZELAND? I asked her, and she nodded her head in YES.

'Are you a lot of experienced? I friendly asked.

'Practice Mister, WELL, It was good charm while practicing on you but I would like to give you a bit of advice that;

Return to the original door. 

May love be waiting for you.

Believe her before she cries or leaves you.' 

(It seemed to me that my decision was correct. I was returning to my first love, my Mommy)

She stood up and picked up her luggage.

'Now, it's time for me to leave.' She smiled and turned, but my voice stopped her.

'What's your name?' She again turned back and saw me.

'I can't tell you now! In our next meet-up.'  

'So, I would tell you that who was my first love!' There was satisfaction in my tone because my decision was right!

'But now only answer me that how do you know that;

 I am an upcoming lawyer and, I belong to Turkey?' She -increased a step towards me.

'The book in your hand and the sign on your bag!' She turned again and went on her journey.

(I MUST GO TO DURR_E_MIHARA; 

WHEN I SHALL COME BACK HERE.)

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My inner responses were still burning to see her in this state of health. OF COURSE! She is my mother.

I only came here to give my love a wholeheartedly chance, and she has morality to me. 

I endure her presence, her motherhood in my life.

The person in the hospital room was breathing, But her closed eyes were causing me a lot of frights.

Her closed eyes hypnotized me to involve my rights, shake her and make her awake to see that I am here on my one mother's call!

'HAZAN!' He turned back and saw that lying existence on the bed. She was muttering in a slumbery state.      

He came towards the bed and touched her cheeks with his hands.

'Mommy?' He shook her like a crazy boy.

'HAZAN!' She again took her name, but her eyes were still closed. 

The CANDY-STRIPER entered the room in a hurry. Her whole body was shivering as if all the air and blood had come out of her body. 

'HAZAN!' I felt my name on her lips likewise. 

'Sister, When is she admitted here?' I saw her in worse condition; there was a strange fear. She could sense the texture of my fingers in her hand. 

'It's been a year I have seen this lady in this ailment. Seeing her, I feel like centuries have passed. Whoever comes to attend her, she always finds only one face in them, and she peeks at them all and reaches the exact name.' She was my mommy, but tears came to the nurse's eyes witnessing my mother's condition.

'Who are you?' She asked me, feeling my presence.

'She... I mean; which; which disease is she suffering from?' The stuttering of my tongue was crucial.

'INTRACEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE' Her words trampled on my childhood memories. 

'It's significant for the lady to make her remember.

All that happened in the past and what's going now!' 

There was dismay and craving for my mother in his eyes.

'Sir, I really request you to call this boy. She has been calling this boy since, admitted here!' She was softly running her hand through her hair.   

'But you ignored my question. Sen kimsin

                                                              (''WHO ARE YOU?'') 

She was looking at me curiously to hear the answer.

'Ben semavi annesinin tekrarlanan çığlıklarını duyduktan sonra ziyarete gelen talihsiz oğlum.'

(I am the unfortunate son who came to visit after hearing the repeated calls of his heavenly mother.)

I answered without looking at her.

'So what do you hope for now?' 

The hardships they suffered because of their offspring; could that be all right?' She said in a flat tone and left me in the room.

After she left, I went to the door myself and latched it tightly. I leaned my head against the back of the door.

'Believe her before she cries or leaves you.' 

Still, that words echoed in my ears. 

'HAZAN!' Probably, feeling my scent, she opened her visions and called me. 

'Mommy!' I ran towards her and saw the moment when she was opening her eyes. 

These moments are heaven for me.

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